Yellow Neckties
by chocolate3271
Summary: "He'd be so proud of you, Carisi."


It was 7:03am. Newly appointed Assistant District Attorney Sonny Carisi stood nervously outside the courtroom. It was his very first case as an ADA. He had been waiting for this day a long time. He could conclude from the butterflies in his stomach that he was both excited and nervous. He sat on the bench in the hall going through his case one last time in his head.

While he stared at the double door memories of Barba came back to him. He always liked the guy. He was a great teacher and a great friend. He couldn't believe his luck when Barba agreed to let him shadow on the Hector Rodriguez case. He learned more that day than he ever did out of a book. He also learned a few things about his friend.

The clock ticked on as Carisi sat on that bench. His mind was far from the hallways as he replayed memories of Barba in his head. The two from the moment they met had always had a good balance between them. Carisi was the only one with possibly the exception of Olivia that could read him like a book. This was one of the things that attracted him the feisty ADA. Barba was a very private person and didn't share much about himself but little did he know that his eyes gave everything away. Carisi could get lost in those green eyes of his. He could see the fire in them when he was in court, he could see the glitter in them whenever he smiled or laughed. He could see the softness and compassion they held for others. He could the frustration in them whenever a case got to him. Carisi had always been told that the eyes were the window to the soul, if that were true Barba had the most beautiful soul he had ever seen.

He looks back up at the clock. It was now 7:10am, 25 minutes until those doors opened. His mind ventured back to memories of Barba. During the Rodriguez case when they had started working more closely together Carisi started developing feelings for the other man. What started out as an infatuation soon started developing into a small crush. The small crush slowly started becoming a bigger crush. Carisi had tried to bury his feelings. He knew there was no way Barba would ever feel the same way about him. As his shadow days starting growing small a feeling of dread had filled him. He didn't want this to end. He wanted to work with Barba, hell just be around Barba longer. That night the trial ended he found Barba on his usual barstool nursing a scotch.

 _Flashback_

" _I thought I'd find you here." Carisi said as he walked up to the other man._

" _Your last lesson." Barba says taking a drink. "You feel the losses."_

 _Carisi sat on the stool next to him. Ordering a drink of his own he turns to Barba._

" _You know you put more effort in for Hector than some people ever did." Carisi told him. "You helped make sure that Hector wasn't forgotten. And as for that monster we will get him. I talked to Live. She said Wyatt's parents will cooperate for a trial. So for tonight instead of feeling the loss let's celebrate Hector's life."_

 _Hearing the detective's words made Barba smile. Only Carisi could some inkling of light in the darkness. He wouldn't admit it but he really enjoyed working with the man. He would miss him when he went back to SVU._

" _You'll make a great lawyer." Barba tells him. "You really impressed me."_

 _Hearing those words come from Barba made Carisi explode inside. It validated that he could be a lawyer. That he could do this. It made every doubting thought he had just disappear. His heart pounded in his chest._

 _After enjoying a great conversation and a few drinks the two men call it a night and begin walking home. It all seemed to be the perfect night. It wasn't too cold. The stars were bright. The sounds of the city filled the background as they walked down the sidewalk. Carisi couldn't help but catch himself staring at the other man. The way the moonlight was reflecting in Barba's green eyes was unlike anything Carisi had seen before. At this moment everything inside Carisi was telling him that he was in love with this man and there wasn't a damn he could do change that and he didn't want to change that. He wanted to be in love with this man._

 _He was infatuated in looking at Barba that he almost walked past his building. Fumbling a bit he stops in front of it._

" _This is me." he says turning to face Barba._

 _He really wished they hadn't reached his building. He wanted to walk all night with the ADA. He looked down into Barba's sparkling eyes. At first neither of them said anything. Everything inside Carisi was screaming at him to just kiss him already. It was now or never._

" _Okay." He thought. "On the count of three 1, 2.."_

 _To his surprise his thoughts were cut off by Barba's lips on his. He was so surprised he almost forgot to kiss him back. He sunk into Barba's kiss. Fireworks were going off in Carisi's heart. The only thing he felt at this moment was pure bliss. He never wanted it to end. He wanted to share all his kisses with Barba. When the need for air became too great the two men seperated. He retracted his thought from earlier. He was definitely glad he was home._

That night was one of the best nights of Carisi's life. That night also changed everything. They had gone up to his apartment after their kiss on the sidewalk. They sat on his couch and talked almost all night. He admitted to Barba that he fallen in love with him during his time shadowing him. Barba surprised when he told him he felt the same way. In the late hours of the night as they began to doze on Carisi's cheap couch they both knew they had a road ahead of them but they also knew that one thing was very clear. Carisi wanted to be with Barba and Barba wanted to be with Carisi.

The weeks following that night had been a whirlwind for the both of them. Three weeks after their first kiss on the sidewalk they both came out and told their friends in the squad they were seeing each other. The reactions were all pretty much the same. That it was about time they found their way to each other. Carisi had found himself constantly smiling because he got to say to himself that he had a boyfriend that he was very much in love with. Telling his family about Barba wasn't easy but they loved him just as much as they always have. When they told Barba's mother Carisi found himself laughing until he cried at Barba's surprise that his mother already knew.

Six months after that night at the sidewalk Carisi was walking on sunshine until one day everything came to screeching halt.

 _Flashback_

 _Barba had just walked away with another guilty verdict. The gavel had been banged and everyone was leaving the courtroom. Carisi noticed that Barba was moving a little slower than usual. His complexion was pale. He noticed the handkerchief in Barba's right hand. What he failed to notice was the blood that was spotted on the inside. Carisi knew that Barba had been fighting off a cold that came with an annoying cough. He had asked Barba if he should go to the doctor but Barba had insisted he was fine. Now however he had become very clammy and sweaty. Perhaps his cold had graduated to flu. The two walked out of the courtroom meeting the other members of SVU in the hall._

" _Great job counselor." Amanda tells him._

 _Before he could thank the woman a nasty coughing fit took him by surprise. His lungs burned and refused to work as a sharp pain killed his chest. His skin turned red as he coughed into his handkerchief. His legs became wobbly as he began to sway. Carisi jumping into action caught as boyfriend and gently lowered him to the ground as he cough. Carisi looks up at Liv who was already calling an ambulance. He could feel Barba's body shaking as he held him. Barba's body was also giving off a lot of heat signifying a high fever._

" _Son..nny." Barba gasped out._

 _Carisi's heart sank as he saw blood line the lips of his boyfriend. A small bit began to dribble down his chin. In seconds the paramedics got there and whisked Barba away. Sonny ran along side the gurney tightly holding Barba's hand._

 _Later in the hospital after waiting for what seemed like an eternity a doctor told him he was allowed to see the man he loved who had just been stabilized. He followed the doctor to a small white room where Barba layed on the bed. Carisi quietly made his way in the room. Barba looked at him, his green eyes full of fear. Sitting next to him he pulls Barba into his arms. He felt Barba's tears on his shirt. He could only offer words of comfort and sweet nothings as held the man. When he could finally draw a breath he told Carisi the worst words he would ever hear._

" _It's cancer Sonny." Barba tells him. "Lung cancer."_

The months following Barba's diagnosis were some of the hardest of both their lives. His treatments had started immediately after he was diagnosed. The doctor told them that because of the progression of the disease his treatments needed to happen right away and would be very aggressive if he stood any chance of making it. Carisi went with him to every treatment. It killed him to see the pain in his lover's eyes as sat through those treatments but he knew that Barba needed him right there beside him. Shortly after Barba's first treatment Sonny moved in with him to take care of him along with his mother.

The news of Barba's diagnosis was hard on the SVU squad. They had all pulled together for their friend in need. Olivia gave Carisi as much time off as he needed anytime he needed it without hesitation. When word got through to the courthouse Barba was concerned he didn't have enough sick days for his treatments all the other ADAS went to Jack McCoy to give Barba theirs. Jack McCoy wouldn't hear of it insisting that Barba had as much time as he needed to get better. Barba was amazed by the amount of support that poured in but none of it compared to the support Carisi was giving him. He went to all his treatments with him. He forced him to eat and take his pills. Helped him get clean. All amongst other tasks.

For the first few months if treatment it seemed like Barba was feeling better. He was around more. He laughed more. He even went to work again. Carisi was starting to have hope again. Barba was even taking the baldness in stride. His favorite hat to cover it was Carisi's blue NYPD beanie. Then one day while Barba and Carisi were standing in the kitchen Carisi had a question for him.

 _Caris stood watching his boyfriend making his first cup of coffee since he got sick. He was playing with an object his pocket as he watched him._

" _What are you looking at?" Barba asks._

" _Marry me." Carisi blurts out._

 _Barba nearly dropped his coffee mug. Was he being asked what he thought he was being asked. Caris dropped to one knee and pulls the ring from his pocket._

" _Rafael Barba, I have been in love with you forever. Every single day I am grateful that you are mine. I don't want to spend a single day without you. I want to love you every single day of my life." Carasi says._

 _Barba kneels in front of him and takes his hands._

" _I'm not sure how long forever will be." Barba says his voice starting to shake._

" _I want every single day I get with you." Carisi says. "I want every second of every day."_

" _Yes." Barba says tears welling in his eyes. "I will marry you."_

 _Carisi slips the ring on Barba's finger. Their lips quickly found each others as they sunk into a loving kiss. The joy only lasted a few moments before Barba collapsed into Carisi's arms._

That night Carisi sat with the doctor and listen to him tell him that the love of his life was running out of time. After his talk with the doctor he sat in the hospital room with Barba who told him he wanted to get married that night. Barba was a smart man. He knew he was running out of time. He also knew he wanted to be married to Sonny Carisi. The impromptu wedding was thrown together as the SVU squad filled the room. Olivia had found a minster to marry them, Amanda had gotten Lucia Barba there, Fin and Melinda had somehow a cake. Carisi ran home to get the rings and Barba's favorite yellow tie and dress shirt. Barba had made it clear he would not be getting married in a hospital gown. Three hours after Barba was taken to the hospital Carisi and Barba had become married men.

Tears had started to well in Carisi's eyes as looked at the clock again. It was time. Today was not a day for tears. Today was for him. For both of them. Sonny looked down at his ring that he had been fiddling with as he waited. Standing up he straightened his yellow tie and started into the courtroom where he heard Olivia tell him as he walked in..

"He'd be so proud of you."

"Not guilty."

The jury had reached his verdict. Carisi had won his first trial. A smile found his way to his face as entered the hall where the SVU squad was waiting.

"Congratulations counselor." Amanda said hugging him.

"I say we celebrate with drinks on me." Olivia says.

Everyone agreed with the idea.

"You guys go ahead." Carisi tells him. "I'll catch up."

While the others went to the bar Carisi went to Greenwood. He made his way long the headstones until he reached the one he was looking for. Smiling he pulls the chain from around his neck that had a gold ring dangling from it.

"I did it Rafa." Carisi says. "You'd be proud. I think i'm going to be okay now. I love and miss you everyday. Save a place for me."

For the first time in a long time he felt like he was going to be okay. A single tear slips down his face as he placed a yellow necktie on the stone. Whispering one last I love you he walked away from the stone to start his next chapter. The yellow tie gently swayed in the wind the letters behind it shining through it.

 _Rafael Barba_

 _1970-2018_

 _The prosecution rests_


End file.
